Thanks to my Twitching Eye sending me to Liverpool for treatment, I met Jessica. And she was so beautiful, and I don’t just mean to look at. Instantly we got on so well, she is perfect. I feel an unmatched physical sensation when I think about her - it’s like I get Butterflies throughout the whole of my body. She’s so adorable, she’s smart, she’s classy, she’s funny, she’s gorgeous, she’s so nice, she’s a rare case of someone with a heart of gold. We got on so well. We could flirt, we could be naughty with eachother, we could be each others best friend, we could open up and we were being honest with each other - no secrets, no lies. I had just started to think I had found “The One” who will change my life, save my life, and become the biggest part of my life.
And then I checked out the costs of going to Liverpool… A weekend there would have been the best part of 300 quid. Just for half a Saturday and half a Sunday. I had no money as it was… I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it. I had no job, and even so - before I had that sort of money I would need to work for at least a month. Our relationship just couldn’t go anywhere and we parted ways. I think it really upset her, I think she thought it was an easy decision for me. It fucking wasn’t… it wasn’t even a decision, I really didn’t have an option.
Regardless, her walls went up straight away and she told me she wouldn’t consider getting back with me because I have hurt her. And it really seems like she’s totally forgotten about me now. And I’m so upset about it, but I’m forced to play it down. Society tells you love doesn’t exist, society tells you no woman is worth being upset about. Friends wouldn’t understand, there’s been so many women they’d just tell me to man up and move onto the next one.
I’ve spoke to her since, but she was quite cold in her replies. I don’t know if it was because she’s fucking moved on completely, or if it’s because she’s deliberately built a wall against me, but either way it was impossible to try and recapture that spark and I think it’s obvious she’s not remotely interested anymore, so I just stopped messaging her altogether, and she hasn’t once messaged me at all so I think I’ve got my answer right there.
I’d like to think that as I sit here every evening just hovering over the conversation window desperate to pick up and talk, that she’s doing the same for me… but I somehow doubt it. I need to GIVE UP, and MOVE THE FUCK ON, but it’s just so hard and part of me doesn’t even want to :( I just want to talk to her all the fucking time. I miss her. I told her I missed her, she said she’s missed me but that was about it.